One time my mom took me to a hibachi grill with a bunch of her friends and if you’ve never been to a hibachi grill basically the draw is that theres a bunch of interactive performance stuff done by the cook who cooks for you at your table, and one of the tricks they did at this one was take a squeeze bottle full of liquor and shoot it into your mouth across the table (with permission)
And now at our table my mom explained this because it was my first time going, and she wanted to make sure to warn me it was liquor because she knows I don’t drink- she just said “if he offers to shoot at your mouth, say no because it’s alcohol”.
And so the chef does his thing and it’s all very impressive, but the time does come where he pulls out this squeeze bottle of booze and asks me if I wanna try
I of course say no, because I really don’t do alcohol, so he moves on to someone else
And I watch, and slowly come to understand that this is some sort of game, because once someone is drinking from the continuous flow the chef starts counting “ONE! TWO! THREE!”
I realize that we’re trying to see who can keep drinking the liquor from three feet away without choking or spilling, and its a bummer cause i kinda wanna try and I CAN’T
But he goes around the table with everyone there, and I think my mom makes it to three, one friend makes it to five, I think my brother got to three as well, and he comes back to me
And I’m REALLY bummed out now but I will not drink alcohol, so I sort of sadly repeat that I can’t when he pulls out a SECOND BOTTLE and grins and goes “juice?”
And Im like FUCK YEAH LET’S GO and I’m a bit worried he’s gonna spray it into my eye or something but he doesn’t, it hits me right at the back of the throat, and I start drinking while the whole fucking table counts “ONE! TWO! THREE!”
And like
It just sorta
Kept going?
And Im looking at the chef and he starts freaking out by the time we get to six, and at around seven I kinda start looking around and my auntie is staring back in shock, my brother is laughing his ass off and my mom has her face in her hands
And then at like nine or ten it gets like. Super tense and quiet, and only the chef is still counting
And I guess it got too much for even him cause we’re at eleven and I don’t believe in quitting early and it is almost painful how awkward it’s getting
So he cuts me off at twelve and raises his hands in the air and everyone else cheers and claps like a dumb movie
and I just sit back in my seat to look back at my mother staring at me surrounded by everyone she knows, bright fucking red in the face and choking with honest to god tears in her eyes and she puts her face back in her palms and starts chanting “I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know”
So I give her the biggest, proudest grin and tell her, “I won.”
So now every time something suggestive happens in a movie, or in conversation, or something shocking happens around us and she goes to jokingly cover my ears, I just ask her, “Remember when I won?” And she goes face-down and groans, because I know EXACTLY how she thinks I trained to develop that particular skill and she HATES knowing that about me
The truth is though, I’m a whole ass 28 year old virgin. I’ve never so much as kissed anyone in my life. I had no idea I could do that trick until that exact moment
But she doesn’t know that, and I’m never gonna tell her
I, Tumblr user Were–Ralph, baked a cake for you! It looks delicious! You find out that I laid the eggs myself and produced the milk myself from my udder (it is NOT cum) : What do you do?
I told my dad that British people call canned whipped cream squirty cream and he got a weird look on his face and said “do some people have no shame?” and I was like no really that’s what they call it and he was like oh you’re serious what
He thought I was making some kind of innapropriate reference that he had raised me to not make and he looked so puzzled. But anyways, my dad’s review of the term squirty cream is “Do some people have no shame?”
My brother’s review of the term squirty cream is “No.” with no further elaboration.
Update: Brother has walked back into the room, said “Why?” in a confused tone, and then left again.
Are you messing with them?
No.
Everybody go to tesco uk’s website right now and search for “squirty cream” and you will see with your own two eyes many products labeled as squirty cream or spray cream
Whipped cream is traditionally made by whipping it. The stuff that comes out of the can is functionally the same thing as cream that you have whipped. So it’s still whipped cream. The way the US refers to it is perfectly logical.
And words don’t have anything to do with logic anyways. If you insist that words must always be logical then you’re required to come up with another name for strawberries because they are not made of straw or berries. Language is not logical. It’s an imperfect system that is dictated by real world use.
And real world use dictates that the same product is called whipped cream or whipped topping in the US and squirty cream or spray cream in the UK. Just like what Americans call fries, Brits will call chips. Both are correct because both are widely used.
But anyways squirty cream sound like innuendo to American brain hehehe hohoho
embalming, the process of chemically preserving a corpse, is typically not required by law. unless you need to transport the body long-distance or postpone the burial, it’s 100% a vanity thing.
a body still rots in air-tight conditions. so “protective” or “sealed” caskets are basically a scam, and anything fancy like metal is a waste of money.
want a beautiful casket for a viewing, but think burning or burying an expensive piece of hardwood is a waste of money and trees? rentals exist.
you don’t need a coffin for cremation. the minimum requirement is that the body be in a “cremation container,” which is a simple cardboard box.
home funerals are an option. you don’t need to hand the body over to a funeral home, and you can keep their involvement to a minimum.
natural burial sites exist. you can have your unembalmed body straight up thrown in the dirt to be tree food, if you want.
there are a lot of funeral homes
that will prey on your ignorance and vulnerability in order to get as much
money out of you as possible. they may imply optional certain services are legally
mandatory, steer you away from cheaper options, charge
additional costs for what’s supposed to be all-inclusive services, etc.
one
person’s death is another person’s profit. know your rights, do your research,
and apply the same scrutiny you would to any other business.
genuine serious question. what are all the legal hoops i have to jump to have my bones cleaned and preserved? not together as a skeleton, like, i want my skull as a mantlepiece and my tailbone as a necklace, yk? how legal is it, how close could i get to that wish, etc.
My honest best advice is to contact a lawyer about this. I know the sale of human bones in the US is illegal except in some extreme edge cases (basically: some skeletons are already owned because of the history of racism and exploitation in this country and that’s an uncomfortable reality we have to have laws for), but there may be a way by donating your body to science.
